Fearful Princess

There once was a little girl. She was a thinking child with a thirst for adventure. She loved to succeed and she loved to win. She lived to be good enough for those that she loved and that was what drove her little heart.

Reality soon struck this little one’s consciousness though.  She could not be the best at anything. No matter how hard she worked someone would be better. Her parents would tell her she did well and then immediately go on to inform her of what she could do better. Unknowingly what they said only sounded like “That’s nice but not quite good enough”. Soon the little girl gave up being able to please her parents. She failed far more then she succeeded, no matter what it was, and failing was made so much more of a fuss over.

The other popular form of fulfillment offered in the form of falling in love might have tempted her but for the fact that she had been burned by those she loved, she did not want to risk it again. She did long to be beautiful to someone. She wanted to be good enough.  The very idea that someone wonderful might find her special enough to fall in love with set her heart on fire. Yet, she knew better.

After all didn’t movies always portray people falling in love at first sight and getting married right off? What were the chances of that working out?  Not to mention the fact that she despised the perfect little princesses with their perfect looks, manners, perfect flaws, perfect perfectness. She could never be that perfect.

She loved the idea of being rescued by a real man who would love her. But she hated the little wimps that could do nothing but stand to the side and scream. And what about those men who just liked to play with a girl’s heart and then throw her away?  No, the little girl knew that if she fell in love she would fall hard and she was not willing to risk it.

So she put away her dolls and her tea set and her pink apron and she set out to become the one character that need to fall in love the least. The tom boy. She had always loved animals and nature anyway. She ran she climbed she threw away all that could that was feminine and very nearly succeeded in forgetting her “weak” side for she had fear and determination driving her on.

And so she grew and became a young woman. She thought of marriage like any young girl but she always promised herself would choose wisely and not let love blind her. She would do everything she could to not get hurt. She only allowed herself to look for whatever comfort from those who could not escape her. She trusted no one and refused to even really make friends.

She retreated into her own world and convinced herself she truly needed only herself and God, forgetting that it was God who had given her the capacity to long for beautiful things. She even had the excuse that she had her various interests in which she would bury herself and when she would burn out she would quickly move to another. She took up swords, and bows, and other such things because she liked them and because with them she needed no one to save her. She even developed a love for being a rebel against the norm, not even just that but a “good girl” rebel.

She needed no one, especially the very people who represented the very pain she wanted to avoid with their very life styles. What people saw was an aloof, strong young woman with a good sense of self and personality. Yet no one saw the fearful little girl still longing to be totally good enough for someone, longing to be held. Some were frightened, some were confused, what they saw was so obvious yet none could understand her behavior because none could see the reasoning behind it. Not even the girl.

Every day she yearned more and more to be seen as a beautiful princess, not weak, not stupid, but beautiful, vibrant, fun, someone worthy to join in adventures and quests, and to truly be a partner, a team. Every day she wanted some real man to see her this way and every day she buried it deeper for terrible as the yearning might become the pain of failure would be far worse.

What could be compared to? A rose bud too afraid to show any color for fear of being carelessly picked and therefore burying its self deep in thorns of her own making? A diamond digging deeper and deeper into the earth for fear of being found and feeling obscurity is better than being broken? The princess who locked herself in the tower for fear of not knowing the true prince and feeling the tower better then the chance of making a mistake? Perhaps.  She is woman. A woman with a heart so strong yet so very afraid. And though she may convince herself she is strong and brave and able to face anything, it is what she needs most that she has run from all her life.